Expectations

As I have said before, we have a wonderful church family. There has never been a time where I have not felt completely welcome at our church. My children feel that our church family is just an extension of our own family. We started attending church about 6 years ago, when Carly and Tanya were very little and even before I got pregnant with Eden. Naturally, when Eden was born we still attended, even though we had moved over 25 minutes away.

When Eden was diagnosed in May of 2010, we were very uncertain of her future. The one thing we knew though is Eden was going to be a part of the church. There were some unknowns with that statement though. Would the Sunday School teachers be able to adapt to a new teaching style? Would she behave? Was she ever really going to understand about her faith? Would she be accepted even though she acts different or talks different?

That fall when she was old enough to attend the Sunday School preschool class, Ed and I had made a decision to not send her that first year. We wanted to make sure that she was old enough to be able to understand what Sunday School was all about. Was she ready for all that attending church was going to teach her? So in September we sent the older girls to Sunday School and kept Eden with us.

A couple of weeks later, we were approached by the director of the Sunday School and she asked if Eden was old enough to attend. We told her she was but wanted to keep her out this year so that next year she would be more prepared. She explained to me that even if she had to sit in the classroom with her to help the teacher that she would be fine. Ed and I reluctantly agreed, we would give it a try.

The first day we stayed with her in the classroom and it was tough. She had a panic attack in the classroom and I ended up rocking her in the rocking chair the whole hour. But she listened to the lesson as the other little boy in the classroom made his little book about the first pages of the Bible. It was the start of a wonderful relationship that Eden has made with the pre-school Sunday School she calls "Grammie."

For the last year or two Eden has been participating in all of the Sunday School activities. It hasn't all been a ray of sunshine and she's had panic attacks, meltdowns, and other behaviors that are very typical of Eden. The same time the church has full accepted all of the good, bad and ugly parts of Eden and her behaviors most of them being good. She had a major panic attack this year right before the Christmas pageant and was unable to participate.

This year, I'm trying to change some things with Eden's behaviors and the church. It's been for the last year or so, that no one understood enough to teach Eden proper Church etiquette. To keep her comfortable and also to keep her from freaking out, the teachers and such have pretty much let Eden do her thing when it came to church. She would run throughout the sanctuary, hide in inappropriate places, scream, and just be let to her own devices. I finally decided now that we understand her behaviors better, and can start setting some behavior standards for her at church.

First thing is I wrote a letter to the Director of the Sunday School, and talked to her as well. The plan we are going to try is to fix the most distracting behaviors. Running, screaming and hiding are huge issues with Eden. This is the letter I wrote to the church:

Dear Church staff,

                   Ed and I believe that it’s very important for Eden to behave a certain way in church. One of the characteristics of Autism is a deficit on understanding appropriate social behavior. It’s not that she doesn’t know how to behave it just that she needs to be taught the right way to act in a situation, and she doesn’t understand that it applies to all church activities without us reminding her. For example, Eden understands she has to look both ways to cross the street at our house, but unless she’s told and reminded to look both ways at numerous streets and even parking lots she will just run across them without looking. 
In order to do this in a way that will “stick” in her mind. Ed and I have been using our ride to church to start teaching her what are the correct ways for her to behave at church. We are starting with the 3 we think will be the easiest and the most disruptive because we have issues with these in other places as well. They are no running, no screaming, and no hiding. I will give you tips on how to implement these and what we use for words when prompting her to act a certain way. 

                    Here are things that you should remember about Eden. Understanding these things may help you when you need to get her to do something. First, Eden has anxiety issues (as you know), things you can do to reduce anxiety is to let her know what is going to happen. It’s really helpful for us to use “first…then…” statements. First, let’s go to gathering then we can go to the classroom. If you find she is having a difficult time sitting, we find that bringing a something for her to play with (We call them fidgets.) to keep her hands and mind busy may do the trick for keeping her seated. If you need a list of helpful fidgets that we use let me know I can even bring some in but a small stuffed animal usually works. 

                    Transitions are difficult for most kids on the spectrum, Eden is definitely no exception to this. Transitions are going from one place to another or even switching tasks. Telling her the schedule will help with this also. Another thing that may help is have her do a job to where she is going (carry a jacket or toy) it will give her a better reason to go to where you are heading. 

                    Consistency in language is very important also, Ed and I don’t go into a lot of explanation with Eden because she doesn’t really listen after the first sentence and if your luck two. Keeping requests simple and short will give you a better chance of being listened to. Eden, no running. Eden, stop touching that. 
                     Just because she is looking in your direction it doesn’t necessarily mean she is listening to you. We find that sometimes Eden is just stuck in her own world, so she doesn’t have to deal with things that are difficult for her to filter out. She does this to block out everything when she is over stimulated. What may seem a quiet room to you may be deafening for her. Everything makes noise and she can’t filter them. Lights, fans, clocks, people talking, and not to mention the stimuli she gets from touches, smells and everything else around her.

          The way we have been presenting the rules for her are as follows:
             No running

- “Eden, there is no running in church. We use walking feet.” Then we ask right afterwards, “Eden do we use running or walking feet in chuch?” Then she answers. We sometimes ask, “Eden do we run in church?” Then wait for an answer and then prompt with a head shake no, and then she should answer, “No.”No hiding and no screaming are used the same way. Constant reminders will help her stay focused and keep the rules in her head. I would suggest saying them before doing any activity that she may do those behaviors. 

                   I would like you to know (and I think you do understand this) that Eden is a kid that ALWAYS tries to be good. When she acts the way she does at times I think that some people don’t understand that it’s her body that is doing those things to her. She seems sometimes that she is in an unending “tug of war”, between what she wants to do and the way her body actually reacts to things. Between anxiety and sensory issues her brain, body and muscles are always trying to find the “way out” or “the way to feel better”. 

                    We are very happy that Eden has been accepted and loved so much by our church family. I’ve got a lot of friends in the Autism community and not many have been as lucky as I have. She is so very happy here and loves everyone that she meets. I completely believe she is a better kid because of the people here and can’t wait for her to learn more about her faith as she gets older. 

Thank You, Melissa 

I figure this is as good of a start as any to make her a better behaved child. She is so very loved there and I am so thankful that my family and I have been so welcomed to their community. I can't wait to see what the future brings with our church and our church family.