When You are Having a Bad Day.

This week has been a weird one. I really have a lot going on. I don't know if I'm overwhelmed, stressed, over this whole Autism thing, over the whole there is nothing wrong with Eden thing (in EVERY sense that you can take it), tired of worrying about who I can talk to about things with Eden (good and bad) with out getting those eye rolls, and so much more. Can you tell I need to vent? I've been on the verge of exhaustion. I don't get any down time when she is around.

Our new in-home support, has helped so much with disecting Eden's behaviors. We are trying to get to the root of the aggression and help her deal with situations that she doesn't like instead of running or hurting people. It's hard work. First I have to try and get her to stop running away when she is stressed, but phyisical touching escalates the behavior. This is because the act of running away usually takes her to her favortie sensory spot. So, we try with our words then physically stop her, because if she gets away, she gets what she wants and is getting a reward for not doing said task. It also means I can't sit when talking to her, as she runs all the time when you ask her to do something or correct her. Then I need to coach feelings and words out of her, so we give her another way to express herself without physical aggression. Let's just stop there because by this time I'm physically exhausted because my 4 year old is doing everything in her power to squirm and wriggle her way out of my grasp, and if that doesn't work she resorts to trying to hurt me. After all that, yes I still have to try and get her to do what I am asking of her because I never really expect her to do anything that she can't do, like picking up toys, getting dressed, eating dinner, going to bed, and getting anywhere in general.

Eden's fevers are another issue. This has been happening since December, and I've gone either to the minor emergency room or Doctors office everytime except once the Doctor I saw today told me a lot of very useless stuff that could have been take care of over the phone and not an hour and 10 mins in an office with an over-stimulated Autisic kid. I need to use a different thermometer (yes that was one thing not kidding), I need to start writing all of the temps, dates and sleep times down. Apparently, doctors visits with temp checks and carrying my daughters sleeping body into the Doctors office in January didn't help. Oh, and the best one is that I need to call her only if the temps continue into the summer because it's been a terrible winter for illness. Yeah, very helpful. Bite me.

I have also been having to drive Eden 25 mins each way to school and not be home for at least 4 hours a day, then we have appointments at the house or at a therapists office every day of the week but Wednesday. So, that said, I have been asking to get some help from the state tor transportation. It was January when I first asked and after multiple attempts to get someone to help, today (March 30th) I was told that there are no available drivers to take her to school, just one way, 3 days a week. And two agencies told me that. UGH I'm so glad that I am getting help right now from my very best friend Jess. If it weren't for her I'm not sure what I would do.

As to talking about Eden, she is my kid, I love every part of her. Most of the time I love the Autism because it makes her the most interesting person I've ever met. There are days, just like any of my other kids, that I don't like that part of her personality. I would just love to be able to not make her use a complete sentence when she talks, look at people when they are talking to her, get her dressed instead of making her dress herself, and all the things that come with it. I have seen looks I get from people whom I thought I was close to judge me for the things that have happened with Eden. I would just like to say, "labels" are sewed in clothing and not for children. As some kids have diabetes or a skin disorder; my child has Autism. The fact that I know the name, and I use the name doesn't mean she still isn't a kid. It just helps me with a whole lot of things. I can get services for her that my insurance won't pay for, like Speech Therapy, Occupational Therapy and Developmental Therapy (school). It doesn't actually bother me that some people are like this, I'm just in a bad mood tonight. If they think I'm doing something wrong, it really is ok. My daughter is doing things that when I first heard the "A" word I thought would never happen. I'm proud of all the accomplishments that we have had and that we will celebrate forever.

I know some of this seems harsh but I really have been keeping all these thoughts in my head and I'm alone in my living room and everyone is asleep so there is no one else to vent to.